Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
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Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Thrilling chase underway
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send