Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.