I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
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Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
blocked.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.