I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
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Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I’m having an out of money experience.
this is the greatest thing ever
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.