Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
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“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt