My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
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I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words