“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.