PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
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When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.