Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
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I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying