Sign at work today
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Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t