Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood