Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
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Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.