I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
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*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*