Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
You Might Also Like
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Close call…
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person