*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
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Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
#damn
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.