It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
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Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
HOW DARE YOU
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Netflix: We have Less
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”