Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
You Might Also Like
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I saw nothing
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣