Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
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People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
The Struggle
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.