The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
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it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My Sentiments Exactly
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.