The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
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It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Try and stop me.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.