just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
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Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
dads on road-trips be like
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle