My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
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Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.