Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
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some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.