That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
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Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch