DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
beware of dog
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If a snake ate a cake
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.