My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
You’ll be OK
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.