DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
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What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”