My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
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There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie