Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
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I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old