Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
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Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Oh, I bet you would be
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
uncle dave has been through hell
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?