How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
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Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport