I鈥檓 your girl in the apocalypse till there鈥檚 something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
You Might Also Like
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
People with grown children keep telling me that I鈥檒l miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don鈥檛 we make a little guy about it
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it鈥檚 ok. I鈥檒l be gentle
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 馃憤
True statement馃憤馃槒馃榿
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.