Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
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Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane