[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
constantly working on myself.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
March 16
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.