There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
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my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”