me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
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Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow