Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
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If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
SPLOOT
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
damn he’s good
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?