Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
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Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Oh hi lol
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.