nothing like a slow cooked sausage
You Might Also Like
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.