My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
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HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
he was correct
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
technically true but not a great slogan
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.