When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
You Might Also Like
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
At Walmart during the holidays like..
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE