Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
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How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.