thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
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Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?