Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
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My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
This 4th of July, please remember…
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!