Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
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I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Blew my mind.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.