Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
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reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Always
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.