Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
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[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?