Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
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Did…did a minotaur write this
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
🤣😈🤣
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
こいつ天才
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Not today.. 😂