I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
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My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.