If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
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How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
me refusing to leave twitter
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem